Transocean has Big Oily Balls

Transocean, one of the companies behind the BP Oil spill, has awarded its executives cash for “the best year in safety performance in our company’s history”.

Now I know you might be thinking this is the mark of hubris taken past the gates of psychosis into Elysian fields of PR, but Transocean is just being honest.

2010 was their safest year ever.  Here’s a partial timeline of past Transocean incidents:

2009 – Transocean executives launch holy war against baby seals and lolcats – “They are after our cheezeburger gentleman.  THEY SHALL NOT CAN HAZ.”

2008 – Transocean experimental “Oil Ray” depopulates large stretches of Alaska.

2007 – Transocean partnership with Umbrella corporation leads to temporary crowd control issues in Arizona.

2006 – Records from this year were entirely expunged except for part of a recovered burnt diary with the words “2nd Moon” and “Oops”.

2005 – Transocean accidentally blows up the entire country of Hezeckastan, dries up the emergency PR fund erasing the country’s existence from history books, maps, google.

2004 – Transocean executives mistakenly fought US troops in Iraq after “deciding to see what oil REALLY tastes like”.

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